From Insanity To Clarity

Understanding powerlessness is a journey of layers that for me, I had to experience for myself, in many different ways. I was raised like most, to work hard, be a kind, caring and giving person and putting yourself last was honoured and worn like an Olympic gold medal. If you just keep going, struggle through, never give up, take control, then you will eventually see the rewards. But my family had never dealt with alcoholism and addiction.

So why was I, a typical girl from the Northern Beaches of Sydney, wife, mother of 2 beautiful girls, feeling like I was getting sicker and sicker with a mystery, undiagnosable illness by the age of 30 and secretly feeling like I was going insane?

Little did I know, that the wonderful, hardworking, caring and loving man I was married to, also had a growing drinking problem. Alcoholism is often called a “cunning and baffling” disease with a “Jekyll and Hyde” personality. It can be a slowly progressing illness, which can make it even harder to detect or pin point, especially for me. I never grew up around alcoholism or addiction. The only ones I ever saw were the people who drank all day, every day, who didn’t work and were often homeless. That definitely was not my hubby.

But the roller-coaster of events that often goes hand in hand with the disease can leave you feeling constantly worried, hurt, angry, frustrated and on edge. Over time the constant “daily instability” of not knowing what mood they will be in when they get home from work, when they will get home from the pub and the common excuses of needing a beer to relax after a hard day, after washing the car, at a kids birthday, cooking a BBQ or because they are stressed, can create constant highs and lows, leaving the people closest to them exhausted, confused, powerless and eventually feeling insane.

It was not an everyday thing but something that definitely roller coasted over years with many heart felt apologies and promises not to do it again. I guess that’s why it took me so long to realise what I was dealing with and for someone to finally suggest I go to an Alanon meeting.

I had never heard of Alanon either, but it is a support group for family and friends who feel affected by someone’s drinking. My first meeting left me feeling like someone had finally explained the craziness I had been living with for the last 10 years. I started to understand about the disease of alcoholism and addiction and that I was powerless over it. Everything I had been trying to do to fix and control the issue and my husband was not recommended and surrendering, letting go and handing it over to a higher power was the recommended steps to recovery, not his……MINE!

My own recovery from my disease of fixing, controlling, rescuing, people pleasing and keeping the peace had got way out of control and I needed to learn new ways to pull things into balance.

That was a huge concept to get my head around as I kept saying, if he just stopped drinking, then I wouldn’t have to be like this!! But there was one thing I knew – trying to control my husband’s drinking was driving me insane and I had to admit I couldn’t control it. It was affecting my ability to be the mum I wanted to be, my health was deteriorating and I had become a person I didn’t recognise any more. I started to realise the more I tried to force things to happen and the more I tried to control everything falling apart around me, including my health, the worse things were and the sicker I got.

My marriage was in the gutter, my children were being affected and I was developing (which was undiagnosed by anyone for 6 years) Adrenal Fatigue or Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I finally had to admit that I had run out of ideas and I was powerless.

Alanon was where I finally had to surrender to a higher power and when I finally did, boy did some miracles start to happen. That higher power started to change my life in amazing ways, ways that I in NO WAY could have come up with in my little head. My husband hit his final “rock bottom”, went to his first AA meeting and started his long journey of recovery. I was then lead to natural therapies, Kinesiology and Emotional Freedom Technique which restored my health and released the chronic pain in my body and energy, naturally and magically!

Nearly 14 years later I am so grateful that I have fully recovered from all chronic illness and insanity (mostly lol). My husband is sober and we are still married after 20 years and are happier and closer than ever. I have learnt that his disease was not my responsibility to fix and control and that I needed to work my program too, so my own disease to please, “fix, rescue and control others” stays in check.

But my biggest realisation going through this journey is that there is so much help and support given and thrown at the person with the addiction, which is often rejected. Yet there is little help, support or understanding of how it affects the partners, children, parents and loved ones. So many people are often affected by another’s alcoholism and drug addiction either as children or as adults which can create many dysfunctional life patterns and health symptoms such as:

1. People pleasing and being the peace keeper
2. Avoiding conflict and angry people and suppressing their own anger, which causes pain in the body
3. Constant self sacrifice and feeling overly responsible for others, being the “fixer” and “rescuer”
4. Struggling to say “No” and feeling guilty or selfish
5. Dreads letting people down and feels responsible for how others feel
6. Overly high expectations of themselves, self confessed perfectionists and control freaks
7. Anxiety, constant worry or depression
8. Fatigue, adrenal burnout, thyroid issues, weight gain or loss, digestive issues, chronic pain in back, neck, shoulders or joints

That is why 6 years ago I launched my business “Let Love Bloom” to help and support all those other Earth Angels who feel worn out, confused and out of balance. People who have become so good at taking care of everyone else but really struggle to make them self a priority, set healthy boundaries and take good care of themselves without feeling guilty or selfish.

As my heart gradually re-emerged from its war torn bunker, it slowly learnt to trust ME again, to keep it safe and to support it unconditionally through life.

Having an open heart again means that I am now open to receive infinite love and possibilities that show up in abundant ways in my life. That I do not have to control everything anymore, in fact handing over everything in my life these days to The Universe and the Angels is becoming more and more a daily ritual and this faith gives me a huge sigh of relief.

I am so grateful for the experience of feeling powerless, having no choice left but to let go and surrender my stubborn mind. It was quite obvious that I was not going to surrender my need to fix, rescue and control easily, as I had learned to wrestle everything to the ground many times just to prove myself and not give in!

But I have now learnt that’s the hard way to do things! The gifts that I have received and learned since being forced to surrender to a higher power, spirit, angels and a force way more powerful than me, has connected me to more unconditional love and support than I could ever have ever supplied for myself.

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